Greetings!
Just in time for picnics with relatives and kids home
for the summer, this month we
talk about family dynamics and how you can improve
these important relationships.
Sparked by my recent Today Show
appearances,
enjoy these topics near and dear to my
heart:
- Letting Go of Your Grown Kids
- Better Sibling Relationships
Please pass along this newsletter to
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Wishing you health, peace and
balance.
Dale
Sanity SaversTM Letting Go of Your Grown Kids |
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This is one topic I am passionate about, and not long
ago, I wrote I’m OK You’re My Parents to
address many common adult child-parent issues.
Here are highlights of the conversation Matt Lauer
and I had on the Today Show on June
6th.
>>View TODAY SHOW: Letting Go of Your
Adult Children.
Challenge for Most Parents
It’s hard to believe when they’re young that your
kids will ever grow up. But it happens. You’ve taken
care of them, watched them grow, laughed and cried
with them and now it’s time to let them go. Not an
easy task. Moms and dads of college kids and career
bound 20-somethings sending their children off in
the world, find that they, too, have some growing to
do. New relationships are forming with their adult
children and quite possibly with their spouse and
even themselves.
Refrain from Helicoptering
You’ve heard the term and know what happens.
Parents who can’t seem to let go, hover over their
kids in college and in the work world, or encourage
them to live at home without expecting their
children to be responsible. These parents overstep
their bounds by visiting too frequently, attempt to
solve roommate and dating snags on a cell phone or
via instant messaging and even select their college
student’s courses. They do their children’s laundry,
prepare their meals, and cater to them as if they
were young children. Sometimes the line between
being helpful and intrusive is a fine one but it is there
and must be addressed.
Involved or Overinvolved?
Don’t wait until your son or daughter becomes too
dependent, angry or resentful. If they are already
expressing negative comments about your parenting,
use it as a wake up call and realize the inevitable. A
parent’s job is to prepare their child for an
autonomous and independent life. One in which they
are allowed to make their own decisions, choose their
own relationships and use both successes and
mistakes as learning experiences. They need to learn
their own way of dealing with the world and if their
parent is always doing things for them they will not
learn to listen to their own voices and find their own
way. They need to work through situations, develop
negotiating and decision making skills, become their
own advocates and in the process develop a healthy
sense of self and a feeling of “I Am Capable. I Can
Trust Myself. I Can Solve Problems, I Can Do It.”
Launch Your Kids
It’s not easy launching your kids out into the “real”
world but you can do it. Yes, you will be sad and
wondering about your own future without your child
who NEEDS you but your relationship will transform
into a more adult, mutually respectful one where your
role will shift to that of a mentor, source of support
and encouragement and will benefit both of you. Let
your kids blast off into living their own life while
you stay grounded and balanced in yours.
Reach for these Sanity Savers
instead of your
cell
phone the next time you get the urge to give
parental advice (which you should not be dolling out
until asked.)
- Wait for Them to Call You – Most
parents know . . . when they need money, they’ll
call. Same holds true when your kids want advice, a
shoulder to cry on or to share in a celebration. The
first thing you can do in letting go is to reduce your
calls. Resisting constantly being in touch helps your
young child be on their own. Ironically, refraining
from frequent calling, sends the most important
message your kids will hear; you TRUST them, have
CONFIDENCE in their decisions and RESPECT their
lives. You’ll not only save on cell phone minutes, but
you’ll help build their self esteem from afar. Don’t be
available 24-7 and don’t think you are your child’s
alarm clock.
- Listen – What everyone wants is an ear
to listen. Someone to acknowledge thoughts and
witness life events. To review the day, week or
month and shoot the breeze. So listen up.
Remember to stop talking, don’t interrupt, be
interested, affirm their comments and resist jumping
in to judge, criticize or give advice.
- Ask Questions – Once you’ve mastered
Listening 101 (this may take some getting used to),
you can answer their questions with some of your
own. If your daughter says, “Which job offer should
I take?” rather than making a selection, respond
with, “Which one will be better suited to your
talents?” Let her think and help her think it through.
This is how she will be able to process problem
solving and make sound decisions of her own. You’re
a guide to help your children think about their
options. Don’t overtake this process with your own
agenda. Encourage your son or daughter to use
campus, community or employment resources.
- Give Advice When You’re Asked – When
they’re really wrestling with a situation and you’ve
listened and have asked some good thought
provoking questions, you might want to offer some
advice. Either wait until they ask you (and they
eventually will if you have really listened) or ask their
permission to give advice. It sounds strange to ask
for “their” permission, but this will show that you
value them and want to understand their struggle. A
good way to offer advice is to reflect on a similar
circumstance in your own life and how you handled
it, good, bad or indifferent. They want to learn from
you and your experiences, but only if you give them
the room first to figure it out for themselves. They
must develop their own critical thinking skills and a
sense of mastery.
- Get a Life – Yes, that’s right, YOUR OWN
LIFE. Find a fulfilling life in which you develop your
own interests and your own independence. And keep
some of the money that you may be spending on
your kids when they live with you at home without
contributing to the household expenses for your own
retirement. As each of your children leave the nest,
you’ll be given more and more time to develop your
own interests, work and relationships. This is the
time to renew romance with your partner, delve into
a pushed aside project, take a course, or write that
book that has been waiting to emerge. Find different
outlets for the energy you have put into active
parenting for so many years. Travel, join a gym,
partake in a gourmet club. Get the picture? The
time you’ve always longed for is here and now.
Enjoy every minute of it and maybe your kids will call
YOU more often and say, “Hey, you’re having way
too much fun down there. I think it’s time for a
visit.”
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Happenings |
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TODAY Show
Tuesday, July 4th, 7:30am
Influences of Adult Sibling Relationships
Dates and
times of additional upcoming segments will be posted
on
Dr.
Dale's website.
Naomi's New Morning (Naomi Judd)
The Hallmark Channel
Ties that Bind - July 30th
Foundations - August 20th
Dates and times to be
announced on Dr. Dale's website.
The Lisa Birnbach Radio Show
Wednesday, July 5th, 9:20-10:20am
Adult Sibling Relationships
Every other Wednesday,
beginning July 5th, from 9:20-10:20am hear Dr. Dale
LIVE on the air on the Lisa Birnbach Show (airs every
Mon-Fri 9am-Noon EST)
>>Go to Lisa Birnbach Show
Jack Birnberg Radio Show (WVNJ)
July 11th, 9:30am
When A Child Dies
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Sanity Savers A Good Daily Habit |
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Upon waking, say aloud two things or the names of
two people you are grateful for having in your life.
Studies show that being grateful is a way to gain
more happiness.
Even when things are not going exactly on track,
be grateful and focus on the positive!
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Sanity Savers TIPS Better Sibling Relationships |
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On May 4th, I appeared on the TODAY Show to talk
about birth order in families and touched upon
one of my favorite subjects (and the subject of one
of my books) . . . sibling relationships.
Keeping the Connection
Good adult sibling relationships is first and foremost
about communication. We all have our lives to live
and it’s sometimes difficult to maintain close bonds
when family members live far apart, have different
lifestyles and busy schedules. Whether your sister
lives across the country or across town, keeping
contact via telephone, email and in-person visits are
the best ways of maintaining the connection. Being
in
touch on a regular basis will help your relationship
thrive. There is less of a need to play “catch up.”
Look at Your Relationship with Sibs
Today
But no matter how often you talk or have family get-
togethers, there still might be “stuff” lingering from
years back or family dynamics that get in the way of
maintaining stronger ties. Why not take a closer look
at your relationship with your siblings
and see if better awareness can improve your
connection?
Here are Sanity Savers TIPSTM to shed some light on
maintaining stronger and
better relationships with your brothers and
sisters.
- What was your model for a sibling
relationship? Look at your parents’ relationships
with their siblings and other sibling relationships that
may have affected you. If your father had a falling
out with his brother and did not speak to him 15
years, how might that have affected your
relationship with
your brothers and sisters (to say nothing about your
cousins)? Did your mother have a close relationship
with her sister and therefore EXPECTS you and your
sister to feel similarly towards each other? Or, did her
mother set her up
to have a distrusting, jealous relationship with her
sister and continues to plant seeds of conflict
between the two of you? Knowing how your model
for interacting with siblings was formed will give you
insight into how you deal with your own brothers and
sisters. Maybe it’s time to challenge what you were
raised with, do things differently, take another
approach or define and design a better model.
- Are you able to share in your sibling’s
accomplishments? When your brother or sister
excels in something are you able to acknowledge it
with sincerity? How about celebrating with them?
Letting go of childhood competitions and rivalries
allows your sibling relationships to mature and grow.
Honor them as individuals. Deal with what gets in the
way of your being able to
do that.
- Can you describe your sibling in terms that
are unique to you without parental influence?
Have you made an effort to create an adult sibling
relationship that reflects the kind of people you are
and the nature of a relationship you would like and
feel comfortable with at this moment in your lives?
Recognizing your “little” sister or “big” brother as
individuals who have their own lives, desires,
interests, values that may or may not mirror yours,
allows for respect and better relationships.
- Can you focus on having a relationship with
your sibling that is not defined as it was when you
were children in your parents’ home? We all grow
older but some of us don’t grow up and because of
that, our view of our sibling does not change. Just as
your mother may still talk to you as if you are 12
years old, you may be treating your sibling as you did
when you were children. Examine and let go of the
destructive patterns you previously engaged in and
allow yourself to be open to a different type of
interaction and feeling for your sibling. Bring your
relationships with your sibling into the present.
To understand more about sibling relationships and
birth order especially if you are raising your own
children, consider some of these other important
factors that can seriously impact relationships among
siblings:
- Family Size - How many children are
in the family and what is their gender (expected
and / or desired)? Consider the years between the
children, the effects of any miscarriages, and deaths
of children before or after each child was born.
- Stresses – What were the economic
conditions within the family? Consider financial
hardships, moves, job loss, mental and physical
health/illnesses, caregiver issues or other deaths in
the family.
- Marital Harmony / Disharmony – Is this
a “happy” home or one with lingering tension and
anger? At what point was there a separation or
divorce, remarriage and the introduction of other,
new family members?
- Roles / Attitudes / Responsibilities /
Characteristics and Needs of Other Children –
Are the parents tuned into each child regarding their
own needs and relevant sibling issues? Is fairness a
value when considering the treatment of siblings?
What kind of response and care is given to a sibling
who has a disability and how is this child perceived
within the family?
- Temperament / Parental Expectations –
How do temperaments vary, mesh and clash among
siblings and parents? Consider the various
expectations parents and other relatives and
teachers place on each child.
- Values – How do parenting styles and
involvement differ with each of the children? What
are some of the values that are shared by family
members and other caregivers?
- Rivalries / Competition / Favoritism / Feelings
– In what ways are the children encouraged to
become their authentic selves, to develop and
pursue their unique interests and talents? In what
ways are children singled out in the family? What are
the dynamics between the siblings and are those
behaviors and interactions encouraged or
discouraged by the parents?
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A Thought |
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Some think it's holding on that makes one strong;
sometimes it's letting go.
Sylvia Robinson, author
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DALE V. ATKINS Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist,
lecturer and commentator in the media who appears
on the Today show. She has more than twenty-
five
years of experience and focuses on living a balanced
life, parenting, aging well, managing stress, life &
work transitions, family connections and healthy
relationships. Dr. Atkins is the author
and/or co-editor of several books including:
SistersFrom the Heart:
Men
and
Women Write
Their Private Thoughts about their Private
Lives
Families and their Hearing-Impaired
Children
I'm
OK, You're My Parents How
to Overcome
Guilt,
Let Go of Anger and Create a Relationship that
Works and her
latest
book . . .
Wedding Sanity Savers How to
Handle the Stickiest Dilemmas, Scrapes and
Questions that Arise on the Road to Your Perfect
Day.
Find out more....
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As Seen on the TODAY SHOW!Wedding Sanity Savers How to Handle the Stickiest Dilemmas, Scrapes and Questions that Arise on the Road to Your Perfect Day
I'm OK You're My Parents How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger, and Create a Relationship That WorksNow in Paperback!
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